Part 1

James Ventura of Ventura Capital sat at his desk in his office, looking at two imbeciles. Behind the two imbeciles was a beautiful view of the Statue of Liberty. Instead of admiring the view outside his window, James had to stay focused on the two imbeciles and their PowerPoint presentation that had the letters SPKR in big, crazy fonts. 

“Wow, very cool.” James haphazardly added to prove that he was still paying attention when the slides turned to a new page. Truthfully, he couldn’t be less interested at this point because he had already decided he would not be working with these two imbeciles. They went through the trouble of scheduling a time with him, so the least he could do was let them finish practicing their pitch. At the end, he would give them the best advice he could and send them on their way.

The effort they had clearly put into their presentation started to make him feel bad for his apathy. Each slide had unique transitions with motion graphics. They were playing music in the background and performing in time with it. They even brought a live demo for James to try, but he wasn’t going to do that.

He wasn’t going to try the prototype because he didn’t believe in this product from the beginning. The biggest lesson he learned over the years was to tell the difference between a flashy fad and a real money-maker. As the music crescendoed, the two imbeciles gave jazz hands, and one of them uttered an awful catch phrase. I gave them a round of applause, but it was far from a standing ovation. An awkward pause hung over the room as both sides of the desk waited for the other to speak.

“So… would you like to invest?” The other imbecile broke the silence.

“No.” James immediately replied, shaking his head. The two imbeciles shrank in posture. One turned away from him as if to hide the fact that he had started crying, while the other started to grow in anger.

“Well… why not?” The imbecile insisted.

“Let me get this straight.” James leaned into his desk and crossed his fingers together. “You want to sell a battery-powered device that gets installed into the user’s mouth so that it can make sounds controlled by their tongue?”

“You got it!” The imbecile rejoiced, thinking James had agreed.

“You can already do that with your mouth.” James countered.

“Yes, but your mouth has a limited range of sounds it can make!” The imbecile’s voice started to pitch up and down musically as he spoke. They both had the devices in their mouths since the moment they walked into the room. James struggled to look them straight in the eye as they wore it. The other imbecile regained his composure and started demoing different sound samples he had saved on his phone.

“And you told me that once you put one in, you can’t take it out?” James went on. Both of the imbeciles looked at each other before responding.

“That’s right.” They both nodded. “The sensors need a perfect seal in order to work properly. For that reason, the installation process is permanent.”

“But so is the fun!” The other added.

“What happens when you need to eat?” James pointed out.

“Don’t worry, we’ve thought about everything! The SPKR has a mechanized vacuum attachment that will slurp that food straight down your gullet!”

James thought for a moment he might hurl, but it passed. He gulped it down before he could speak again.

“That can’t be safe… what if the battery dies? Or it breaks?”

“With our proprietary super charger, you’ll be able to rejuice faster than you can suck down a blueberry pie.” One imbecile explained.

“Which you can do while charging.” The other imbecile added. James shook his head again, unconvinced.

“If I’m being honest with you, the harm you propose to the user far outweighs its trivial nature. I couldn’t be less interested in this product, and my hope for your success is that you abandon this early and pursue your next best idea.”

 It was unusual for James to be this harsh. He is normally much better at finding some nugget of value in anyone’s pitch, no matter how terrible it was.

The imbeciles did not seem to appreciate his candor. They both wore frowns, but only one spoke.

“You’ll regret this day, Mr. Ventura!” It was hard to take his anger seriously with the melodic tone of his shouting. “One day you will see SPKR everywhere, and you will know what you are!”

“And what am I?” James asked.

“You’re the worst VC in town!”

Part 2

One year later, James is sitting at his desk when his assistant yells from down the hall for him to put the news on in his office. He grabbed the remote from across his desk and turned on the TV mounted in the upper corner opposite him. He tuned in just as the new anchor had finished setting up the next segment and turned it over to the correspondent.

“Thank you, Eddie. Hi, I’m Terri Thompson, and we are live in Times Square, where the biggest trend in tech, SPKR, has set up a vendor stall for people to pick up their pre-orders on launch day. That official launch is coming in minutes, but this line behind me has been forming for over a week. What started as a few dedicated fans has now grown into hundreds, maybe thousands, piling into the Square to get their hands on this newest gadget.”

James looked at the TV in disbelief. It wasn’t the first time he had seen SPKR since they were in his office. He knew they ended up partnering with his main competitor, Capital Ventures. His network had already told him about the partnership. Still, he played dumb every time John from Capital Ventures gloatingly mentioned the “hot new startup he couldn’t talk about.” He also knew that his competitor was betting big on SPKR. For the past several months, he had been bombarded with ads for it. Several celebrities had started appearing on late-night talk shows to show off their new SPKRs.

The reason he played dumb all those times was that he couldn’t be happier to see his rivals sink all of their resources into something he knew would fail. The problem was that they didn’t fail. He was in disbelief that they didn’t fail. He hadn’t been paying close enough attention. How could he not tell that people loved it the entire time? Events like the one on TV were happening all over the world. A sea of people stood behind the news correspondent, all looking like they would kill to get their hands on one.

“5, 4, 3, 2, 1!” They all chanted the launch countdown. An airhorn blared, and everyone started storming the booth staff. The camera crew followed the action and zoomed in on the people at the front of the line, glowing with excitement as they received their SPKR. As each one was handed the device, they would immediately stuff it into their mouth like a burrito, only for it to extend several tiny hooks that engulfed their entire mouths. The SPKR immediately lit up and started to chime. As more and more people installed them, the sound of harmonic laughter, humming, and shouting filled the Square.

“We’ll report back here as more and more people get their very own SPKRs. In the meantime, back to Eddie, who will be interviewing the two founders!”

“Thank you, Terri.” After a wipe transition, the news anchor returned to the left side of the screen. James recognized the two imbeciles on the other side. He fumed at the TV as the news anchor introduced them.

“Thank you for having us.” The first imbecile said.

“It’s truly an honor to be on this program.” Added the other.

“How does it feel to see all of the excitement for SPKR around its launch?” Eddie asked. Both imbeciles started beatboxing while they switched to different silly sounds on their phones. 

“We’re overjoyed by everyone’s love of SPKR!” The imbecile said.
“We can barely contain our enthusiasm!” The other added. Eddie laughed. 

“Well, I only have one other question.” He paused for dramatic effect. “Where can I get one?” They all laughed.

“I’m so glad you asked, Eddie!” The imbecile shrilled. 

“We have one for you right here!” The other imbecile returned from off-camera, then passed a device to the news anchor. Eddie seemed overcome with joy as he crammed it straight into his mouth.
“Oooooh yeaahhh!” Eddie climbed up and down the scales as he played with his new SPKR.

“You guys are the best! Thank you so much!” Eddie cheered.

“We’re so glad you like it!” Both imbeciles chimed in unison. 

“So, tell me. How did SPKR begin?” The news anchor regained his composure.

“Well, it all started two years ago when-”

“Wait, wait. Two years? We didn’t hear any buzz about you until six months ago!” Eddie interjected.

“Yes, well. We had a minor setback when our first choice investor turned us down.”

“Turned you down? At the rate you are selling these, you will reach a billion units by next week! Why, they must be the worst VC in town.”

Part 3

It had been a long time since James had been on TV. He had forgotten why he hated it so much. Even after spending 30 minutes being abused in the makeup room, the crew still swarmed him on the set to pamper his face. Despite this torment, James couldn’t help but smile because the young man sitting next to him was not an imbecile. From the beginning, he knew he could trust this young man because he didn’t just know how to talk; he knew how to listen. Today is the day they get recognized for what they accomplished together.

The other side of the stage was live with Eddie Everett, who was setting up the next segment. Thanks to makeup, the cameras couldn’t see the scars around Eddit’s lips. James could see them.

“Almost a year ago today, SPKR was the talk of the town.” He started with forced enthusiasm. “For months, everyone enjoyed them! The more people bought them, the more fun they became! Until…” Eddie’s tone grew solemn. 

“Three months ago, SPKR declared bankruptcy. According to our analysts, the company failed to prepare a long-term revenue strategy. Once everyone owned a SPKR, no one was left to buy them. The company burned through its resources on marketing, offices, and retreats. Once their revenue dried up, they cut their losses and fled.

At first, no one cared. We already had SPKR! Slowly, problems started to arise. When users lost or broke their proprietary supercharging cables or vacuum tubes, they had to request new ones from the company’s support line. Without them, users had to be taken to the hospital to have the SPKR surgically removed before they could eat again. 

This initially seemed like a few small cases that were mocked online. About a month ago, cases began to rise rapidly. Our health care system was eventually overwhelmed and unable to treat everyone in time. I’d like to take a moment of silence for the victims of SPKR.”

Eddie hung his head for a moment. James and everyone else on stage remained how they were. After a moment, Eddie resumed.

“Thanks to the rapid response of Chris Mitchell and his new company, Muter, which provides a safe and easy at-home kit for SPKR removal, our daily casualties have plummeted! I would like to introduce today’s guests, Chris Mitchell and James Ventura from Muter!”

The two entered on camera and took seats across from Eddie’s desk. 

“Thank you so much for joining me!” Eddie greeted. “Chris, I hope you know that you will go down in the history books as the savior of humanity.” Everyone laughed.

“No, no, I’m serious!” Eddie insisted. “I hear there may even be a Nobel with your name on it.”

“You’re too kind, Eddie.” Chris brushed him off with a smile. “But really, the crisis here was obvious. If it wasn’t me, anyone else would have done it.”

“Sure, but the quickness with your response! It was only days after the hospitalizations made the news that I started seeing ads for Muter. It’s not like your product was rushed, it’s very well made and packaged!”

“Well, for that, I have to give all the credit to my mentor.” Chris pointed over to James. “James called me the day I was watching all the craze about SPKR’s launch on the news, and he told me this day would come. He helped me get Muter started so we would be ready when it happened.”

Eddie looked back and forth between them, stunned.

“Wow. Just wow. I mean, who could have predicted this? Mr. Ventura, you must be the best VC in town!”